Yesterday I had the best present I could probably receive for my 40th birthday. I had an opportunity to relive a day from my teenage years.
When I was about 16 years old, I went to my first concert. It was Depeche Mode's Black Celebration tour. Now for those who don't know, Depeche Mode was MY band. If you knew anything about me, it was that I absolutely adored them. I dreamt of them, I plastered my room with posters of them, and sadly as a silly teenager I even had a picture of them next to my bed that I would kiss goodnight.
I went to this concert with one of my close high school friends, Delmar. A series of unfortunate events accompanied this trip to the Park City event. The person who was supposed to drive Del and I there (as my mom and step-dad were on their way to Wyoming with the rest of my family) had the wrong date written down and was a no show when we showed up at her house.
I made the decision to drive us in an unreliable car (actually that described ALL of our cars at the time come to think of it). In my naivete, I filled the car with unleaded when it took leaded. It didn't permanently damage the car, but it did make it die half-way to Park City. We ended up getting it towed the rest of the way and we attended the concert which was incredible.
However, after the concert was done, we were stuck there with few options of getting home. I was supposed to fly out to Denver to visit my dad the next day and my bags were in the trunk of the car in preparation of driving to Salt Lake City to catch a plane.
We ended up getting a hold of the daughter of my next door neighbors and she and her husband came and got us (and my luggage)and took us home. I called my uncle and asked if he would go and take a look at the car (since he's an awesome mechanic). He and his wife and a couple of his kids drove all the way up there where the car magically started up and worked fine.
Unfortunately, they were hit by a drunk driver on the way back and it totaled the car. Since I was not supposed to have taken the car in the first place, I got in a ton of trouble for the whole situation and was grounded for a very long time.
Despite all the problems, I still have good memories of this day and how great the concert was.
Back to the present day, my friend Delmar called me last week and asked if I would be willing to take a trip to the past. He asked if he could take me to the Depeche Mode concert which took place last night. He had box seats and so I reluctantly said yes...by jumping up and down and screaming for joy.
The ride up to Salt Lake this time was not fraught with peril or broken down cars. We didn't have to fight people off of us or put up with second hand pot smoke. Afterwards, the worst part of getting back was waiting to get out of the parking lot. But just the same, during the concert all I had to do was shut my eyes and I was sixteen all over again. I was naive and bright eyed and pure-minded. I had all the hopes and dreams of a life just starting again.
But when I opened my eyes again, I experienced another sensation. One of understanding. I heard the music through a different mind. I understood the meaning behind the words much better - both the joy and happiness as well as the pain and loss that the songwriters had expressed through their lyrics and sound. I realized that the songs I had sung so often I could sing them backwards I had really never understood emotionally. At the time I would have disagreed most heartily at this if someone had been able to point this out to me of course.
It was if the songs were new again to me again while still remaining old and trusted friends. It was a sensation I doubt I'll ever have again in my life.
So thank you Depeche Mode. Thank you for being the ones to help get me through my teenage years. Thank you for providing the soundtrack to that time in my life. And thank you for last night in which I was able, if only for a moment, to reconcile my clean, innocent young mind to my older wiser self and they both benefited from the experience.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Its been a long time since I rock and rolled....
I turn 40 next week.
Most people who know me well (and who've read my previous posts), know this.
Most of the people who know this and read this blog are younger than me.
Therefore, most people reading this have no idea what this milestone feels like.
I remember being a little depressed about the 25 and the 30. I don't remember any birthdays really being better or worse after 30 because of the state of mind I was in for those years.
This is a moment to reflect and ask myself what I've really accomplished in life. I've done some good things - like had two amazing kids and gotten a bachelors degree - and I've missed out on some things that I planned on doing - like getting my PhD and being married to someone who wasn't completely and only interested in his own needs.
So here's a list of things that I still need to get done before I die:
1. Get my PhD. I would like to continue in Psychology, but really I think there are some other things I would like to learn about that I might be happier doing. Since I work in a legal division of a MLM company, it might be interesting to get more training in the law. However, this also requires a lot of science knowledge so that might be something to consider as well.
2. Lose weight for myself and no one else. I don't want to be thin because I want to impress others. I want to do it for myself and because it will help me be healthier and live longer (which will be a benefit for the kids as well of course).
3. Become more spiritual than I have been in the past. I need more prayer and faith in my life. I tend to try to do things all on my own and forget that sometimes I need help until I'm really struggling.
4. Figure out what my faults are and correct them. I think I picked up a lot of bad habits out of self-preservation and defense over the past 10 years. I want to give those up and be true to who I really am. I want those who really have my best interest in mind to let me know what these are. :)
5. Find someone who really loves me for who I am and not what I can give him. This is not to say that I won't give, but only when I know that I can trust him. And I won't settle again for any schmuck who says pretty words and never follows through with them.
6. I need to learn how to let go of some things that have happened in the past that were really traumatic. I need to live more in the present and in the presence of those surrounding me instead of my thoughts from the past and those who have hurt me.
So those are my goals for the next 40 years. Stay tuned!
Most people who know me well (and who've read my previous posts), know this.
Most of the people who know this and read this blog are younger than me.
Therefore, most people reading this have no idea what this milestone feels like.
I remember being a little depressed about the 25 and the 30. I don't remember any birthdays really being better or worse after 30 because of the state of mind I was in for those years.
This is a moment to reflect and ask myself what I've really accomplished in life. I've done some good things - like had two amazing kids and gotten a bachelors degree - and I've missed out on some things that I planned on doing - like getting my PhD and being married to someone who wasn't completely and only interested in his own needs.
So here's a list of things that I still need to get done before I die:
1. Get my PhD. I would like to continue in Psychology, but really I think there are some other things I would like to learn about that I might be happier doing. Since I work in a legal division of a MLM company, it might be interesting to get more training in the law. However, this also requires a lot of science knowledge so that might be something to consider as well.
2. Lose weight for myself and no one else. I don't want to be thin because I want to impress others. I want to do it for myself and because it will help me be healthier and live longer (which will be a benefit for the kids as well of course).
3. Become more spiritual than I have been in the past. I need more prayer and faith in my life. I tend to try to do things all on my own and forget that sometimes I need help until I'm really struggling.
4. Figure out what my faults are and correct them. I think I picked up a lot of bad habits out of self-preservation and defense over the past 10 years. I want to give those up and be true to who I really am. I want those who really have my best interest in mind to let me know what these are. :)
5. Find someone who really loves me for who I am and not what I can give him. This is not to say that I won't give, but only when I know that I can trust him. And I won't settle again for any schmuck who says pretty words and never follows through with them.
6. I need to learn how to let go of some things that have happened in the past that were really traumatic. I need to live more in the present and in the presence of those surrounding me instead of my thoughts from the past and those who have hurt me.
So those are my goals for the next 40 years. Stay tuned!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I usually don't do this but...
I need to refer those of you who see this blog and not the other one I contribute to.
Please go REALIZE here
Please go REALIZE here
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Most Secret
Taking a page out of my sister's book, I'm going to share some secrets as well. However, I'm not a very private person at all so these may not be a big surprise to anyone.
1. I think I missed my calling in life. I've always wanted to do conservation work. I especially love animals and in particularly sharks and think that it would be really cool to work with and study them. I'm disappointed that not many people in the world worry about keeping them around. Once my kids are grown, I want to find a job that allows me to take care of the earth.
2. I tell myself to shut up all the time. I hate a lot of the things that come out of my mouth.
3. I'm actually glad its my own voice in my head that chastises me though. It used to be someone else's. And that person used to tell me how stupid I was a lot. My own voice doesn't like what I say, but it doesn't call me stupid.
4. I'm afraid of dying. Desperately afraid. Not because I'm worried about the next life as much as I'm afraid for my children if I do.
5. I've always wanted to be a shy person. It feels like shy people act more mature and are respected for that.
6. I still don't know how to feel about my dad. I don't know whether to love him because we're so much alike or be angry with him for not doing more to have a relationship with me.
7. I feel gypped out of my 30's. They were wasted on someone that I don't think I ever truly loved. I cared about him, but I wasn't in love like I had been before with someone else.
8. I get angry sometimes that I wasn't allowed to marry the one person I was truly in love with. But to be honest, I don't know that it would have been the best thing for him. He's happy with his life now and that makes it better for me to have lost him.
9. I would give just about anything to be in my 20's again. Turning 40 scares me to death.
10. I know I'm really smart, but sometimes I worry that I think I'm smarter than I really am. I've learned a lot about my limitations in the past few years. I'm not sure if its because I'm getting older and have had children and its causing a strain on my brain or if I'm just getting wiser as to all of the things I really don't know.
11. I hate that I have a hard time letting some things go. I talk about some things obsessively and I wish I could stop.
12. I feel less sense of purpose when my kids are gone.
1. I think I missed my calling in life. I've always wanted to do conservation work. I especially love animals and in particularly sharks and think that it would be really cool to work with and study them. I'm disappointed that not many people in the world worry about keeping them around. Once my kids are grown, I want to find a job that allows me to take care of the earth.
2. I tell myself to shut up all the time. I hate a lot of the things that come out of my mouth.
3. I'm actually glad its my own voice in my head that chastises me though. It used to be someone else's. And that person used to tell me how stupid I was a lot. My own voice doesn't like what I say, but it doesn't call me stupid.
4. I'm afraid of dying. Desperately afraid. Not because I'm worried about the next life as much as I'm afraid for my children if I do.
5. I've always wanted to be a shy person. It feels like shy people act more mature and are respected for that.
6. I still don't know how to feel about my dad. I don't know whether to love him because we're so much alike or be angry with him for not doing more to have a relationship with me.
7. I feel gypped out of my 30's. They were wasted on someone that I don't think I ever truly loved. I cared about him, but I wasn't in love like I had been before with someone else.
8. I get angry sometimes that I wasn't allowed to marry the one person I was truly in love with. But to be honest, I don't know that it would have been the best thing for him. He's happy with his life now and that makes it better for me to have lost him.
9. I would give just about anything to be in my 20's again. Turning 40 scares me to death.
10. I know I'm really smart, but sometimes I worry that I think I'm smarter than I really am. I've learned a lot about my limitations in the past few years. I'm not sure if its because I'm getting older and have had children and its causing a strain on my brain or if I'm just getting wiser as to all of the things I really don't know.
11. I hate that I have a hard time letting some things go. I talk about some things obsessively and I wish I could stop.
12. I feel less sense of purpose when my kids are gone.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
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